Coming here to Costa Rica for yoga teacher training, after climbing in Mexico for two months, I had mixed feelings – excited for a new adventure, a new country, to learn more about yoga, to improve my practise. And I was sad to not be climbing for a month, and to be leaving a place I’d come to love, and nervous about making new friends; scared, too that I would suck as a yoga teacher.
What I hadn’t expected was having (in the most gentle sense of the expression) my heart ripped open. You guys, self study and exploration and meditation is REALLY REALLY HARD AND SCARY.
But at the same time, really really cool and eye opening and clarifying and soothing. (And obviously a little confusing because this is making not much sense.)
You realize things like : oh actually I worry a lot about things, even though I smile all the time and generally seem really cheerful.
And that: I AM really cheerful, most of the time, but you can be cheerful and nervous and worried AT THE SAME TIME. Which is ALSO very confusing.
I am bad at sitting still. And being patient with myself. And opening up to other people in a totally honest way because actually I would like to hide behind a wall of being smiley and happy because that is way easier and less confronting.
But on the bright side it has also made me realize that:
Oh, I love yoga. I love the movement and the breath and the history and the stories of the gods and goddesses; I love the chanting, I love falling over when I’m trying to balance (and even more NOT falling in new poses is so exciting)
I want a simple life. I want to make things and make people happy, and kiss a mountain cat, and climb rocks, and sleep under the stars and sometimes you guys I am scared that I am meant to want more than that?
So that’s what is going on over here by the beach. If you need me I’ll be trying to cross my legs comfortably, planning my playlist for my first class, trying not to freak out.
And maybe doing some backbends: